Queen Adelaide Crow Chardonnay: Successful straight off the vine but has
aged poorly and lacks character. Popular in South Australia but, where more
choice is offered, tends to be overlooked. Not likely to improve much in the
near future. Give it to your Auntie!
Lion's Crest Cabernet Sauvignon: Despite an unattractive maroon colouring,
this strong Queensland variety is flavour of the month after winning a gold
medal at the Australian wine festival. A blended wine where the AFL squeezed
the last drop of life out of the Fitzroy Cabernet grape variety then mixed
with the fruity but otherwise dreadful Carrara Bear Estate Sauvignon. Scary
thing is this wine is not even fully mature yet and could even improve
further.
Carlton Blue Lambrusca: A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening
taste. Rich and obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or
they'll piss off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always
turn up at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.
Carringbush Magpie Moselle: Cheap and nasty, with considerable bitterness.
A disappointing and fruitless wine that for whatever reason still appears
very popular with the peasantry. Tends to spend a lot of time in the cellar
in the hope that it might improve - but don't hold your breath.
Windy Peak Hill Fruity Lexia: The kids love it because it tastes like Fanta
and all their friends drink it too. Doesn't have a lot of character and is
unlikely ever to mature. A perennial finalist at awards, but we suspect some
of the judges have been bought off because it seems more than a little
overrated. Associated with the fruity lexia is the Sheedy Whine.
Fremantle Hodgepodge Fruit Cider (Purple and Green label): Not a real wine
at all and doesn't look like it ever will be. Management still believes that
if you shove an under-ripe banana in with some leftover lemons, grapefruit
and an eggplant, and stick it in a Bamix, eventually something tasty might
eventually emerge. It might not too!
Old Geelong Sweet Sherry: Popular with the oldies and fairly inoffensive,
but a poor season at the Corio vineyard has meant a dramatic decline in
quality recently. This wine could be appropriate for a Last Supper unless
their Messiah comes back real soon.
Hawksthorn Riesling: If you can get past the awful colouring and that it is
low alcohol, this is a reasonably satisfying drop that will please the whole
family (and your pets too!). Bland and tasteless, this wine has a nutty
flavour that appeals to those who belong to the Cardigan-set. Can also be
used as hair bleach.
Kangaroo Flat Spumante: Trendy for a little while but doesn't have a lot of
fans and, after a halting of imports to New South Wales and Canberra, this
wine may disappear from shelves altogether. Premium 'Carey' vine is getting
old and using imported grapes hasn't been at all successful to date. Always
good value but increased costs leave this bargain-basement variety with
nowhere to go.
Old Melbourne Hermitage: A classic variety that appears more appropriate to
days-gone-by than today. Clashing flavours - fuddy-duddy indifference versus
erratic opportunism - leaves a bad aftertaste for all but the most devoted.
Still popular with old tossers, but living only on past glories now.
Port Port: a home grown whine...I mean wine...that has only recently
appeared on shelves. Colourful label belies a vinegar flavour that will win
few fans outside its home state. Fairly cheap and great for drinking out of
brown paper bags, expect to see plenty of empty bottles of this in bus
shelters from Alberton to Port Augusta.
Richmond Hill Gold and Black label Shiraz: A bold, high-alcohol variety that
appears on shelves with a great fanfare every March, but tends to have
completely sold out by September. Inconsistent texture that tantalises but
always fails to deliver, although recent crops appear to have more
potential. WARNING: This wine is associated with high rates of alcoholism
and violence.
All Saint Claret: No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one.
You'd think by now it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible
and not likely to improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job
was brewing backyard root beer in Warrnambool.
Sydney Swan Views Wooded Chardonnay: Using recycled grapes appears to have
worked reasonably well over the past decade without real success.
Interesting fermentation process that involves flooding ripe grapes with
midfielders of questionable disposal skills - this works because they use a
half-sized bottle instead of a real one. Take a bottle of this to the
theatre!
West Coast House White: Don't expect this variety to emerge from the cellar
for another 10 years. Crappy, imported grapes mixed with past-their-prime
vinegars sums up this rapidly deteriorating vintage wine. In a word - yuck!
Dogbreath Grappa: This bottle of wine is best used for belting someone over
the head with while they are not looking. More a weapon than a wine.
